Actin' a Fool

February 3rd:

I'm shy.

Really!  I am.  I tend to keep to myself and wait for others to make the first move in conversation.  I've always said that in a room full of people, I'd go straight to a corner seat and just watch and wait for someone to speak to me.  I can't "work the room".  I always marvel at how some people can do that.  I mean, what do you say that makes folks want to talk back with you, laugh and be so delighted that you came over in the first place?  (Shaking my head)  I feel like as soon as I begin to make my way towards people they are looking for the nearest exit or they are thinking "Who is this woman and what does she want?"  (Maybe I should I offer them money?)  Anyhoo...

I don't know, maybe it stems from some place deep inside left over from childhood.  In elementary school I struggled to make friends.  I was often, mercilessly, teased for having the "triple whammy" of red hair, freckles and awful buck teeth.  I literally had the face only a mother could love.  (Thanks, Ma!)  Every stinkin' day of fourth grade I was picked on by a big girl named Florence (think Big Delores in Hope Floats).  She was huge, messy, and... scary.  I remember that once I was asked by the teacher to take something to the front office and on my way back to class I met up with Florence in the hallway.  She'd gotten permission to go to the restroom and was waiting for me outside the classroom just so she could call me " Ugly Beaver".  Another time, in music, the teacher chose me to play the triangle in front of the class.  Where I was told to stand was directly in front of Florence who stared me down and made punching motions into her hand.  My knees quaked the whole time.  I chuckle thinking about it now but I think instances like those and what I thought was personality quirkiness kept me from being outgoing.

In middle school, I found drama.  Not Kardashian "drama" but drama acting.  Drama class was offered as an elective course and Mr. Willie Jordan was my teacher.  Oh that man!  I adored him and that class.  He was so accepting and encouraging of everyone in the room and pushed us to be ourselves and "play".  He loved improvisation and would ask us to come up with topics to then act out in front of the class.  It was a riot!  Doing that pulled something out of me that I didn't really know I had.  I'd always loved pretending, dressing up, and performing for my parents but this was actual "acting"... real technique!  I loved it!  For that time on the stage, I didn't have to be that "ugly beaver girl" (who by middle school was developing and morphing into an awkward braces faced, young woman), I could be any character I wanted.  It was such a high to embody someone else for awhile during a time when I was so uncomfortable in my own skin.

I still love acting and I do it a lot these days.  I am blessed to have opportunities in community theatre as well as in the professional theatre.  Sometimes my parts are big, sometimes small but always enjoyable.  It is in those moments of acting, of being someone else, that I often get in touch with me... as odd as that may sound.  It's fun to be on the stage or in a public setting where I am performing so that I can come off as secure and extroverted  but in "real life", I can only be funny and gregarious with my family and close friends.  I know that there have been people that have misjudged me thinking I am a snob but the standoffishness  (Yep, that's a word...but, uh, don't look it up.) is not an aloof uncaring on my part.  I want to be at ease and put others at ease.  I want to get to know people and chat it up and I'm learning to "let loose".  I'm learning to accept myself and to realize that I'm not nearly as quirky as I think and that, really being me (and all the characters I play) is just who I should be.