Actin' a Fool

February 3rd:

I'm shy.

Really!  I am.  I tend to keep to myself and wait for others to make the first move in conversation.  I've always said that in a room full of people, I'd go straight to a corner seat and just watch and wait for someone to speak to me.  I can't "work the room".  I always marvel at how some people can do that.  I mean, what do you say that makes folks want to talk back with you, laugh and be so delighted that you came over in the first place?  (Shaking my head)  I feel like as soon as I begin to make my way towards people they are looking for the nearest exit or they are thinking "Who is this woman and what does she want?"  (Maybe I should I offer them money?)  Anyhoo...

I don't know, maybe it stems from some place deep inside left over from childhood.  In elementary school I struggled to make friends.  I was often, mercilessly, teased for having the "triple whammy" of red hair, freckles and awful buck teeth.  I literally had the face only a mother could love.  (Thanks, Ma!)  Every stinkin' day of fourth grade I was picked on by a big girl named Florence (think Big Delores in Hope Floats).  She was huge, messy, and... scary.  I remember that once I was asked by the teacher to take something to the front office and on my way back to class I met up with Florence in the hallway.  She'd gotten permission to go to the restroom and was waiting for me outside the classroom just so she could call me " Ugly Beaver".  Another time, in music, the teacher chose me to play the triangle in front of the class.  Where I was told to stand was directly in front of Florence who stared me down and made punching motions into her hand.  My knees quaked the whole time.  I chuckle thinking about it now but I think instances like those and what I thought was personality quirkiness kept me from being outgoing.

In middle school, I found drama.  Not Kardashian "drama" but drama acting.  Drama class was offered as an elective course and Mr. Willie Jordan was my teacher.  Oh that man!  I adored him and that class.  He was so accepting and encouraging of everyone in the room and pushed us to be ourselves and "play".  He loved improvisation and would ask us to come up with topics to then act out in front of the class.  It was a riot!  Doing that pulled something out of me that I didn't really know I had.  I'd always loved pretending, dressing up, and performing for my parents but this was actual "acting"... real technique!  I loved it!  For that time on the stage, I didn't have to be that "ugly beaver girl" (who by middle school was developing and morphing into an awkward braces faced, young woman), I could be any character I wanted.  It was such a high to embody someone else for awhile during a time when I was so uncomfortable in my own skin.

I still love acting and I do it a lot these days.  I am blessed to have opportunities in community theatre as well as in the professional theatre.  Sometimes my parts are big, sometimes small but always enjoyable.  It is in those moments of acting, of being someone else, that I often get in touch with me... as odd as that may sound.  It's fun to be on the stage or in a public setting where I am performing so that I can come off as secure and extroverted  but in "real life", I can only be funny and gregarious with my family and close friends.  I know that there have been people that have misjudged me thinking I am a snob but the standoffishness  (Yep, that's a word...but, uh, don't look it up.) is not an aloof uncaring on my part.  I want to be at ease and put others at ease.  I want to get to know people and chat it up and I'm learning to "let loose".  I'm learning to accept myself and to realize that I'm not nearly as quirky as I think and that, really being me (and all the characters I play) is just who I should be.

Schtuff!

February 2nd:

Busy Saturday.  Blech!   We all woke up early around here.  Double blech!

Things to do, places to go... Lewie spent the day visiting with his grandparents (spoiled) while Ross, Charlie, Erica and I had to go to an extra long play rehearsal (groan) and Eric went to the season-ender basketball games at the high school (yawn) .  Then we all converged back at the house to cram in an impromptu visit from our insurance agent, dinner, baths, chores, and staying up late for family movie time watching "Groundhog Day" (because it's just not the same watching it on February 3rd.)

Multi-tasking.  It's what I do... and I like to think I'm not half bad at it.  Although, Eric says no one is really good at it.  In any case, good or bad, I do it.  I always have tons of things swishing (Yes, swishing) through my brain.  I'm trying to keep the family's calendar straight, the house in order, and all content (and somehow find ten minutes to shower).  On any given day, I am sitting on Ross's couch in his room listening to his latest musical endeavor then heading over to Erica's room to check in with her and have a little girl chit-chat about what's going on in her life, then walking into Charlie's "office" (his bedroom closet) and reading one of "Schmidtspeare's" masterpiece poems or stories (Hmmm... future blogger?), then snuggling up with Lewie while he plays on the floor or draws me a picture.  I usually have dinner cooking while I do all of that and sometimes even folding and putting away laundry, too.  In addition, right now, I'm in three productions at once and managing their rehearsals, memorization, and performances and wondering why Barnum & Bailey haven't called me to join them with all that juggling I'm doing. Even when I get on the computer, I have several tabs open at once as I check my email, give a status update on Facebook, listen to music, and research topics as they pop into my brain.  In fact, while typing this, I'm painting my fingernails.  (What talent!)

I like to maximize my time because if I don't, all of the things going on in my world start to feel chaotic and I lose my balance easily.  Not putting things off allows me to be in and do most all of the activites that I want/need to do without drowning in the Sea of Busy.  I always try to stay one step ahead.  For instance, I clean my house while packing for a vacation.  I scrub the kitchen while I cook.  I like order and I like "gittin' 'er done".  I love it when there is down time and no real agenda we have to follow and some days it is like that.  Mostly though, there is something to do, somewhere to go, something to memorize or rehearse and really... I guess I like that.  I choose that.  I find satisfaction in managing several things at once and then being able to sit back and relax knowing they're all done.  (It makes the relaxing part that much more.)  However, I'm learning (slowly) how to cut myself a break if I don't get something done and I'm getting a better handle on what things in my life need to be attended to immediately and what can wait, which is freeing.

Well, sleep can't wait any longer so I'll wrap it up here.  I'll go slip into my warm bed and check off my mental to do list that today's "schtuff" is done and add it to the blessings I count as I drift off to Dreamland.

G'night.

February 1st on the 2nd

February 1st:

The first day of the "month of me" came around with a gift of a whole day to myself.  I left the house at 7:50AM and didn't return until almost 9:30PM.  Although, I had errands to run and play rehearsal, it was somewhat blissful being uninterrupted in my schedule or lack thereof.  One of the best parts of the day was carving out a bit of time to hang out with my one and only sister, Jessi.   I took over our favorite grocery store sushi (Oooh, fancy!) and homemade cookie pie and we picnicked at her work.  It's always so nice to spend time with her.  She makes me laugh easier than anyone I know.  She is also the best sounding board I have in my life.  She listens intently and thoughtfully gives her feedback.  The person who can infuriate me more than anyone else is her and yet, she is the same person I want to share my deepest heartdreams with.  She knows me.  She loves me.  She remembers me... that me from childhood. 

 Through her eyes I can see those silly girls who used to put on variety shows for their parents, complete with costumes and makeup.  I see those dramatic girls that used to make up crazy commercials or soap opera story lines and record all the voices of those characters on their little, red tape recorder and laugh uproariously when playing them back.  Being "the big sister" wasn't always easy or fun for either one of us.  I often resented having to be the responsible babysitter and treated her unkindly but she never lost faith in me and I always loved her... although I still remember that time I was in 2nd grade and she drew all over my Miss Piggy puppet with a ballpoint pen while I was at school, but I digress.  (I promise I'm over it... sort of.)   I wouldn't trade those experiences for anything. We share family... memories... life that no one else can share.  She is part of me...

28 Days of... Blerbing!

Trust yourself. Create the kind of self that you will be happy to live with all your life. Make the most of yourself by fanning the tiny, inner sparks of possiblity into flames of achievement. - Golda Meir

 

February!  New year... new month... new me?  Maybe. 

As I do each year leading up to my birthday, I get a little retrospective, a little introspective trying to get perspective (See what I did there?) about... me.  I reflect on where the year has taken me, how I reacted to it and what, if anything, I could have done to make it different for the better or even the worse.  Some situations and circumstances I remember were unavoidable and my attitude towards them was understandable and acceptable but really, when I reflect on the whole... the person I am, I almost always find myself lacking.  It isn't that I go looking for the negative per se, but there is plenty in my life that could be tweaked, improved upon, toned up and sometimes I can get really bogged down with it.  I know I have a great life.  I have this amazing, little family that brings me such pride and joy.  I am blessed beyond anything I really deserve but sometimes I lose where I (that "me, myself and" character) fit into it.  I'm someone's daughter, sister, friend, wife, and mother but who am I?  What parts of me have stayed consistent throughout my childhood, adolescence, and adult years?  How has me being me helped piece together this puzzle called my life?  Given a moment of clarity, I recognize that I'm not exactly repulsive and it's alright for me to acknowledge my good qualities, my talents, my (Ahem!) shortcomings, my contributions and to give credit where credit is due, so to speak.  I don't often do that.  Not to myself, anyway.  So... (Here it comes.) with that in mind and the ol' calendar pointing the way to February 19th, the day that will forever live in "infancy", namely mine, (Heh, Heh!) I have decided to take the 28 days of this month to focus on the renewing, refreshing, and appreciation of yours truly.  Instead of making lists of things that I have to change about myself which I have done many, MANY times, I will embrace the good, bad, ugly (Shudder) that is CHER... me, not Sonny's. (The jokes... oh my sides!) 

February! New year... new month... new me? Maybe. Hopefully.

I shall document this time through this blog.  However, just saying that feels so forced.  I am not a blogger.  (Just see how inconsistently I have kept this space up. Ugh!) I feel stress just thinking about being a blogger.  Bloggers are writers.  Bloggers feel deeply for writing.  I don't.  I'm a much better... "blerber".  (Not to be confused with Bieber.)  So... to take the pressure off, it shall be documented here on this "blerb".  (I feel better already.)  It shall be documented because, well, it will help with that pesky "spective" thing I do each year and who knows, it may be interesting to someone out there in "Blog Blerb World" (Besides, my mother will love it.  Hi, Ma!)  Through this month (Thank God, it is the shortest one!) I will daily comment on something that is about me.  Vain?  Perhaps... but what I hope I gain from all of this is a truer understanding and appreciation of myself and in doing that, I will love deeper, listen better, and actually BE the person I am supposed to be.  I am sure I will still want to change things. That's not a bad thing.  However, in facing those I don't want to turn a blind eye to the attributes that make me uniquely me.  Me.  Hmmm...

February! New year... new month... new me? Maybe. Hopefully. YES!

Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable - if anything is excellent or praiseworthy - think about such things. - Phillippians 4:8






    

Gonna Have One Hot Time In The City Tonight

Yikes! Talk about global warming.

Boy, my sunscreen must be amazing!

Photo: Athens, GA (Lexington Road)

"The key to a good breakfast"

This must be an amazing trick! Wonder what else they can make keys into? Wow! Those Crawford, GA folks are incredible!

Age Is Just A Number

Charlie has been quite interested in numbers lately.

As a kindergartner, he is learning something new each day and with that comes beginning the basics of mathematics; 1+1, 2+2, etc. He likes to count how many cars he has or how many times he has watched Spiderman (which is always never enough with him) and how many times he has had to stop Lewie from getting into his Legos. "No, Lewie, I have told you a majillion times to get out of my blocks!" He is also very aware that the days are growing closer to the 100th day of school in which special things will happen in his class in celebration of it. He counts them down to me every morning. "Mom, didcha know dis is the ninety-furd day?" (I don't have the heart to tell him yet that there will be 80 more days after that one and that his mornings of getting up early for school will not be over on day 101.)

In his enthusiasm over numbers, he has also expressed interest in ages. Ages like: how old will he be when he will go to high school, or be able to watch "The Dark Knight" or not have to do his chores or not have to live in my house. (Poor miserable kid!) He's asked me how old he was when Ross was born ("You weren't born yet, Charlie. You were still in heaven.") and how old he was when Lewie was born ("Four."). "How old is Daddy, Mom?" "47." "And how old are you?" "37." "So, you are older than Dad?" "No, Charlie. I just look it." (groan)

So, last night we are eating dinner at the table, chewing and talking as we usually do during this "quality family time" and I remembered that this is my month to plan mine and Eric's date night. Now, just for the record, I gotta say here that this is really a new thing; the monthly trade off of planning, I mean. For years we have put aside a little money each month for the two of us to go out and kinda get reacquainted with each other; the "Eric and Cher" before the details of almost 19 years of wedded home ownership and the busy schedules of four kids took over our youthful impulses. It just seemed though that despite the allowance toward a nice evening away from the kiddos, at the end of each month we would realize that we did not take that time for ourselves. So, trying to remedy that, Eric and I decided to take turns planning the dates through 2009 in hopes that neither one of us will fail to make it happen. So...

We are at the table and I say "Hey, Schmitty, you wanna go out with me this weekend?" As soon as I said it, I noticed Charlie out of the corner of my eye. In mid bite he kinda gets this little half smile on his face. Eric's positive answer leads Charlie to coyly ask him, "Are you goin' out like on a... date?" Grinning, Eric says, "Yep!" "You're too old", Charlie says "Old people don't go out, not like that." "What? Charlie, they are not old", Erica interjects. (Interesting, coming from the all knowing 14 year old who usually thinks every word from her father's mouth was originally found written on cave walls.) "Well, I mean, they are kinda old. I'm very new and they are very not." Charlie explains. "Well, if you are very new then what is Lewie?", Erica snaps. "He's very, very new and he is more fragile den me". "But I'm more fragile den you". Charlie says.

After a chuckle, we all go on about our business eating and talking. Later, Charlie says to me, "Can I come on your date with Dad?" "No Buddy, this is a grown-up thing that just moms and dads do." Frowning a bit, Charlie says "Well, when I'm a grown-up, I'll take my kids on my date 'cause they will be sad if they aren't having fun with me." "That's very nice, Charlie, but sometimes we just need to do some things without our kids with us." "OK", Charlie shrugged. "I just hope you and Dad can find some fun without me there."

As he walked out of the room, I smiled to myself and thought about how much fun I do have with that little man and with all my kids. We are truly blessed to have such a house full of love and happy times. Thinking ahead to those kids of Charlie's, well all I can say about that is, my grandchildren are going to be loved immensely and are destined to have the most interesting and fun life with him as their dad. That is something I can definitely count on.