Well, here I am entering the world of blogging. What am I thinking? I am not a writer. I am not quick-witted and thoughtful like my sister, smart and insightful like my mom or even poetically personal like my dad. Nor am I brilliant like my husband, who does not blog but has been known to write intensely well versed editorials. I don't even think I use the English language well. I fear that my blogs will end up more like a Seinfeld episode about "nothing" and will completely leave the reader scratching their head wondering why they wasted their time on it. I can hear my father's words, now..."You are the example of why NOT to have a blog." Alas, I shall endeavor to trudge (is that even a word?) on, if for no reason other than I like to think I have things to talk about that are interesting and usually only have a toddler to converse with all day and maybe some freak of nature out there will enjoy my "splashes in the stream of consciousness".
Grasshoppers and Guts
My boys have a plethora of insects, spiders, lizards, snakes and even furry mice made of plastic and rubber. It is amazing how real some of them look and feel. Ross and Charlie often delight and excel in leaving those little suckers in various locations around the house so that their poor mother can stumble upon them and almost wet her pants. Whether it be hidden amongst the dirty laundry or positioned so as to appear to be crawling out of the sink or just sitting in the middle of the floor, they never cease to scare the bejeebers out of me. The absolute worst thing is when I think a bug is fake and reach down to move it and it's REAL. Freak out! I do not like bugs or creepy things, real or fake. I am very much the scaredy cat girly-girl when it comes to them. Many a time has Eric, Ross and even Charlie come to my "rescue" and disposed of some creature for me while I teetered on top of a chair.
So, when this morning, after having dropped Charlie off at school, I noticed something moving along the edge of my steering wheel...I immediately went on the alert. Trying to keep driving in the morning traffic and yet watch for whatever it was that I thought I saw was difficult and just as I decided that perhaps I needed a bit more coffee to wake my eyes properly - it landed on my leg!
Immediately, I jumped (well, as best you can sitting behind a steering wheel). Then suddenly it was on the floor. A grasshopper! Now, I could say here that this thing was enormous, a real beast, like the kind of locusts that get radioactive toxic waste spilled on them from outer space and terrorize small towns in those old B movies; but the truth is it was small, okay, very small...but it still creeped me out!
I could see that it probably wouldn't take anything for me to just step on it as it seemed to be a moving in a bit of a stunned way (I mean, he was probably thinking "Hey, this doesn't look like grass.") but although I often want creepy crawlers gotten rid of and I usually don't care how you do it, I don't wanna hear them "crunch" or feel them "pop" under my shoe. Gag! So, I decided to just drive with one leg up and clinch my butt and other leg as if this would somehow keep it at bay until I could get home.
Now, I live about two miles from the school and can get there and return home in about 6 minutes depending on traffic. Today's trip home felt like it took 2 hours! I kept looking down to make sure it was still in one place and once when I realized it wasn't staying put, I thought I might have to pull over and exorcise the van. I was so on edge that when Lewie sneezed once I literally screamed.
Finally my street, my driveway! I turned off the engine and sat there for a moment to formulate my plan of action in exiting the vehicle. Did I want to just leave ol' Hopper there to starve in my van or perhaps, he would lie in wait for me and pounce the next time I got in. Argh, what to do!
Bravely, (yeah, right!) I opened the door, placed my left leg on the pavement and gingerly climbed out. Looking around for something, anything I could use to either nudge him out of the van or at last finish his existence, I found a piece of folded up paper in the door pocket. I reached down to begin the evacuation and "thump" it's on my arm! I start jumping around and shaking like I've got fireants in my underwear. Then it hops up on my shirt making it's way to my neck. I'm completely spinning now! I'm sure my neighbors are thinking I've lost my marbles. Just before I strip my shirt off right there in broad daylight for everyone to see my goodies, this monster flies off. Flies! I forgot grasshoppers can do that. Thank God Almighty this thing did NOT fly around in my van or you just might be visiting me at St. Mary's this morning.
After smoothing my shirt and removing my mussed up hair from my eyes, I composed myself and calmly walked to the sliding van door to carry on with my morning routine of sing-songing to Lewie as I get him out of his car seat. Later, after I've finished feeding him breakfast and he's sweetly playing on the floor, I notice he's got something in his mouth. Since he is just 1 year old this isn't a new thing. So I reached down to get it out of his grasp when I gasp and jump back. Let me tell you, there is something very un-nerving about seeing little green legs hanging out of your baby's mouth. Terrific! He'd found one of Charlie's rubber lizards. Smiling at me with his "little man grin" and giggling as I tug at the toy caught in his tiny teeth, I can't help but think that somehow he knew exactly what was going on during the whole shenanigan in the van this morning and found it delightfully amusing to see his mommy squirm and squeal. I have a feeling that it won't be long before Ross and Charlie invite him into the "Let's Scare Mom Club" and I'm gonna be in big trouble!
Grasshoppers and Guts
My boys have a plethora of insects, spiders, lizards, snakes and even furry mice made of plastic and rubber. It is amazing how real some of them look and feel. Ross and Charlie often delight and excel in leaving those little suckers in various locations around the house so that their poor mother can stumble upon them and almost wet her pants. Whether it be hidden amongst the dirty laundry or positioned so as to appear to be crawling out of the sink or just sitting in the middle of the floor, they never cease to scare the bejeebers out of me. The absolute worst thing is when I think a bug is fake and reach down to move it and it's REAL. Freak out! I do not like bugs or creepy things, real or fake. I am very much the scaredy cat girly-girl when it comes to them. Many a time has Eric, Ross and even Charlie come to my "rescue" and disposed of some creature for me while I teetered on top of a chair.
So, when this morning, after having dropped Charlie off at school, I noticed something moving along the edge of my steering wheel...I immediately went on the alert. Trying to keep driving in the morning traffic and yet watch for whatever it was that I thought I saw was difficult and just as I decided that perhaps I needed a bit more coffee to wake my eyes properly - it landed on my leg!
Immediately, I jumped (well, as best you can sitting behind a steering wheel). Then suddenly it was on the floor. A grasshopper! Now, I could say here that this thing was enormous, a real beast, like the kind of locusts that get radioactive toxic waste spilled on them from outer space and terrorize small towns in those old B movies; but the truth is it was small, okay, very small...but it still creeped me out!
I could see that it probably wouldn't take anything for me to just step on it as it seemed to be a moving in a bit of a stunned way (I mean, he was probably thinking "Hey, this doesn't look like grass.") but although I often want creepy crawlers gotten rid of and I usually don't care how you do it, I don't wanna hear them "crunch" or feel them "pop" under my shoe. Gag! So, I decided to just drive with one leg up and clinch my butt and other leg as if this would somehow keep it at bay until I could get home.
Now, I live about two miles from the school and can get there and return home in about 6 minutes depending on traffic. Today's trip home felt like it took 2 hours! I kept looking down to make sure it was still in one place and once when I realized it wasn't staying put, I thought I might have to pull over and exorcise the van. I was so on edge that when Lewie sneezed once I literally screamed.
Finally my street, my driveway! I turned off the engine and sat there for a moment to formulate my plan of action in exiting the vehicle. Did I want to just leave ol' Hopper there to starve in my van or perhaps, he would lie in wait for me and pounce the next time I got in. Argh, what to do!
Bravely, (yeah, right!) I opened the door, placed my left leg on the pavement and gingerly climbed out. Looking around for something, anything I could use to either nudge him out of the van or at last finish his existence, I found a piece of folded up paper in the door pocket. I reached down to begin the evacuation and "thump" it's on my arm! I start jumping around and shaking like I've got fireants in my underwear. Then it hops up on my shirt making it's way to my neck. I'm completely spinning now! I'm sure my neighbors are thinking I've lost my marbles. Just before I strip my shirt off right there in broad daylight for everyone to see my goodies, this monster flies off. Flies! I forgot grasshoppers can do that. Thank God Almighty this thing did NOT fly around in my van or you just might be visiting me at St. Mary's this morning.
After smoothing my shirt and removing my mussed up hair from my eyes, I composed myself and calmly walked to the sliding van door to carry on with my morning routine of sing-songing to Lewie as I get him out of his car seat. Later, after I've finished feeding him breakfast and he's sweetly playing on the floor, I notice he's got something in his mouth. Since he is just 1 year old this isn't a new thing. So I reached down to get it out of his grasp when I gasp and jump back. Let me tell you, there is something very un-nerving about seeing little green legs hanging out of your baby's mouth. Terrific! He'd found one of Charlie's rubber lizards. Smiling at me with his "little man grin" and giggling as I tug at the toy caught in his tiny teeth, I can't help but think that somehow he knew exactly what was going on during the whole shenanigan in the van this morning and found it delightfully amusing to see his mommy squirm and squeal. I have a feeling that it won't be long before Ross and Charlie invite him into the "Let's Scare Mom Club" and I'm gonna be in big trouble!
2 comments:
This is GREAT! Keep telling these funny stories and other postings. All of those hilarious stories about Charlie would make great reading here. I am so proud of you. I love you.
D
This was a pleasure to read! Full of nice turns of phrase and unexpected little twists.
Even your blog title--Splashes in the Stream, etc.--is excellent. The easy chatty style is charming. Keep it up.
Post a Comment